The worst Thanksgiving dish you ever had.

Date: Thanksgiving Day 2009
Location: DFW Airport

In breaking with the tradition of going to my wife's grandmother's house for Thanksgiving, in 2009 we decided to go to Disney World with my parents, my sister, and my neice.

After enjoying the wonderful experience of living life as a flying sardine for two hours, we found ourselves trekking across DFW airport.  After traversing the wild jungle of holiday travel, as well as amusing ourselves with some of the wonders which can only be found in the airport, 

we found ourselves lacking nourishment, and so decided to settle in for a nice quite meal...at T.G.I. Friday's.

We squeezed, wedged, and pushed our way through until we found a small, round table with bar stools.  After being greeted by our friendly young waiter, I looked over at the television to check the football scores, as well as lament the fact that this young man was working on a day when he should be at home, in sweats, eating a turkey dog while playing Assassin's Creed II.  My mind wandered from processed meat and Renaissance Venice to wondering where those airport employees park to get to work?  Do they have to ride shuttles like the rest of us travelers? Or is there a super cool airport parking level, complete with ambient lighting, a made-to-order Starbucks station at each parking spot, and airport moving walkways?

Despite thinking I should try to stick as close to traditional Thanksgiving food as possible, I ordered a burger.  I don't recall the description of said burger, I just remember thinking something to the effect of, "Eh, sounds pretty good." Boy, was I ever wrong.

The food arrived and it looked like a normal, run-of-the mill burger you would get at Friday's/Applebee's/Chili's.  I gently lifted the sandwich from the plate, brought it to my mouth, and sunk my teeth in.  Words cannot describe my reaction to the first bite.  Instead, I give you a visual reference, from one of my favorite shows:

"This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread."  This burger was not pretty good.  It was AMAZING. 

Now you may be wondering, "Wait, I thought this was supposed to be about the WORST Thanksgiving dish."  Well you are correct.  But what made this burger so good, is what also made it SO bad.

You see, had this burger been your standard bun-patty-cheddar-pickle-tomato-lettuce-ketchup-mustard combination, it would have only qualified as "really good".  But NO, my friends.  This burger had a secret element, a trump card if you will.  And that trump card was made of fried cheese.

Yes, it was as if your basic burger and an order of mozzarella sticks hooked up after having one too many drinks at the bar, made a decision they would both regret the next morning, and produced a love-child.  And I ate that love child.  It was an appetizer and a main dish all rolled into one. A burger with a second patty, made entirely of fried cheese.

So why was it the "worst" dish?  Despite the copious amounts of food generally consumed on Thanksgiving, I can, without a doubt, say this was the most unhealthy food item I have ever eaten.  It was practically sinful.  I could almost feel my arteries clogging as the meat and cheese oils combined to make a perfect fusion of awesome in my mouth.

And while I may never eat that burger again, I'll always remember how fate drew us to an over-priced chain restaurant in a busy airport, and changed my life forever.

The Worst Thanksgiving Dish You Ever Had

Everyone knows that teachers come up with really good ideas all the time, right? I'll be the first to admit that half the time, our good ideas are stolen from someone else. And, the other half of the time, we are flying by the seat of our pants. I'm sure you are wondering what the hell any of this has to do with Thanksgiving or with dishes, right? Well, I wanted to write about this really ugly Turkey dish my grandma used to pull out every November (sorry, Grandma, with all due respect, that turkey dish was almost as creepy as that ceramic rabbit with the red eyes)...and I was going to pull a Matilda and describe it....but I think this question is really referring to food...so, I tried super hard to think of the worst Thanksgiving dinner food I have ever eaten. The problem is, I like corn pudding even though it looks like vomit. And, I like green bean casserole even though it looks like alien brains being eaten by worms. I even like the green pudding jello pistachio stuff my Grandma makes every year. So, I had to think even harder and I came up with this. 

The first year I taught first grade, I had pretty much no clue what I was doing with those cute little boogars. So, I did what every teacher new to a school or grade or both does....I copied the other teachers. They told me about this really amazing activity they did every year as a Thanksgiving tradition. So, I copied their notes and sent them home to my students' families. The school Thanksgiving day arrived. We had told the cafeteria we wouldn't be joining the rest of the school for Thanksgiving lunch because we were doing "our own thing." Boy, was that a mistake. Who knew that our school cooks were so amazing? The meal they crafted looked and smelled so good!!!!! But, not to worry, we had our awesome and amazing plan underfoot. Each of the students in class brought in one item. We had carrots, celery, corn, potatoes and all kinds of other Thanksgivingy sounding foods. Each student brought their ingredient to a big pot and put it in. We added water and put it on to boil. Then, we read books about big boats and pilgrims and friendly natives and watched Charlie Brown and made headresses and pilgrim hats and waited....and waited. Finally, after the rest of the school had eaten their "oh-so-good-smelling-turkey dinner" we gathered all the kids together and something to this effect.
This soup we have made is Friendship Soup.  Each one of you did your part and provided something for the pot. Now, we know that it is very important to work together and that when everyone works together as friends then everyone gets to enjoy good things. So, let's enjoy our Friendship soup and be thankful for the good friends we have around us. 
We pulled out the flimsy bowls and started passing soup out to all those little kids. It was at that moment that I remembered two things  that I should have thought of sooner.....kids don't like vegetables....AND.....kids don't like soup. 
I grabbed a bowl for myself and, in an effort to lead by example, I took my first bite. Hmm, crunchy carrot. I took my second bite.  Weird...crunchy potato. 
Our stupid friendship soup was still crunchy. And, let me tell you, crunchy friendship soup did not taste great. 
If that's all you're gonna get out of the friendships in your life, then you may as well not even bother making friends. No wonder kids are such bullies. It's got to be all this friendship soup crap that says EVERYONE has to be friends with EVERYONE for the soup to work out. I know one thing for sure. I would rather eat alien brains and vomit off of a freaky turkey plate with my family than crunchy 
friendship soup with strangers. 

What can happen in a second?

If you are anything like me, then you obviously are familiar with the three most popular things that are expected to happen in a second. You will commiserate with me in remembering being told to "just wait a second." You could enthrall me with a dramatic re-enactment of a time you were beseeched to "hang on a second." And, I'm positive you recall that time when that crazy clerk promised "give me a second and I'll have that ready for you." These instances would seem to point to the idea that the most common things that happen within one single second are 1. The Wait, 2. The Hang, and 3. The Give.
In my personal opinion, however, I find that The Wait, The Hang and The Give actually require many more seconds than just the one in question at that moment. It seems that one teeny, tiny, minuscule second is too insignificant an amount for anything mountainous to occur. However, it is WITHIN all of The Wait, The Hang and The Give that one second finds its purpose and stands out strong and tall and away from the rest. That one single second might hold:
A mouse click
A glass shatter
A twig break
A rain patter
A tire pops
A toenail flies
A rooster crows
A truth in lies
A car crash
A carrot crunch
A baby's smile
A lizard's lunch
A pencil snap
A long-lost shoe
A timer ding
A girl's "I do"

In the middle of all The Wait, The Hang and The Give are these tiny moments that become paramount. They could never happen if all the other seconds around them did not set them up, support them on either side. But, it is these seconds that stand out above the rest and it is for them that we put up with all the wait-hang-give. So, just keep waiting and hanging on for a second to bring a gift. 

What can happen in a second?

Life and death.  As I grow older, I find myself more and more considering the deep issues of life and death, so it comes as no surprise to me that my first post would be about life and death.

I am uncomfortable with the idea of death.  I analyze things.  I generally won't make a move in life without considering multiple outcomes.  This is probably the reason I still live in the town I grew up in, all the homes I've ever lived in are within a 30 mile radius, and the very thought of going somewhere, out there, with out a significant network of people I can depend on still terrifies me.  I often think of "getting the hell out of dodge", but for some reason or another, I never do.  "What if I can't find a job?" "What if I can't provide for my family?" "I'm not sure I have any marketable skills."  "What if we end up homeless?"  This is the crap that runs through my head when I think about making a change.  And that is why death is so utterly effing terrifying to me.  It's the ultimate change.

I like to think of the exchange in the movie Hook.  Hook tells Pan, "Prepare to die, Peter Pan" to which Pan replies, "To die would be great adventure."  Hook responds, "Death is the only adventure."  As much as I want to think of death as an adventure, I can't...

So, Martha and I pick a really cool writing assignment, and what do I do?  I go all Emo Kid right away.  Brilliant, Ryan. Brilliant.  So what do you say we try this again, huh?

---REWIND---
---RESET---
---BEGIN TRANSMISSION---

What can happen in a second?

I figure I can answer this question one of two ways.  I can either make a list of things I can think of that can happen in one second OR I can write about one particular event that happened in one second.  I think I'll do the latter, but instead of just one particular event, I think I'll write about two because I'm having a bit of a hard time not being super serious when I think of just one.  So one serious, one not so much.

THE SERIOUS

It was a warm summer afternoon.  She had picked me up from work and we drove to a nearby park.  She pulled out her Blackberry and dialed seven digits.  Those seven digits were the most important numbers either one of us had ever dialed.  Those seven digits held all the hope, all the fears, all the hours of crying, praying, believing, and being disappointed. 

My heart threatened to rip through my chest.

"Hi.  This is Martha Navarro.  I'm calling to speak to Kori."

I could barely breathe.  We sat there, silent, barely breathing.  I held her hand.

"Hi Kori, it's Martha.  I'm going to put Ryan on the phone because I want you to tell him, and then he'll come tell me.  Okay, here he is."

I took the phone and pressed it to my ear as she opened the door of the truck.

"Hi Kori, it's Ryan."

"Hi Ryan. Is Martha gone?"

"Yeah, she just got out of the car and is walking away."

"Well, go and give her a big ol' hug..."

This was it. Six years of heartbreak and disappoint culminated in one instant.

"...because you're going to be a daddy."

One second...


THE NOT SO SERIOUS

Throwing away a paper.  How hard can it be, right?  Pull open the door to the restroom, let it swing wide while you toss the paper in the basket, and walk away.  If the door hits you in the back ever so lightly, no big deal, right?

Only, it is a big deal when the doorknob-that-is-way-too-fancy-to-be-in-a-pizza-hut decides to swing down right as the door hits your back, wrapping your favorite Adidas T-shirt through your beltloop creating a knot even Houdini couldn't get out of.  One second.  One second is all it took to stick me to that door like a Jolly Rancher in the sun on a hot August afternoon.  One second to get stuck...

And thirty minutes to get unstuck.  Mostly because for the first fifteen minutes, no one could stop laughing long enough to help me.  So there you have it.  In one second you can get stuck to a bathroom doorknob in a Pizza Hut in Farmington, New Mexico.